Sometimes I feel there is something rotten within me. This sense of helplessness. This sense of dissatisfaction, sense of losing everything. A deep misery that I am not worth it, a sense that I can't do anything. Deep sense of weakness and a feeling of being lost. I see a lot around me which I wish could be different. The world I imagine is so far from reality, the people I imagine are just imaginary.
All I come across is misery, lack of courage, apathy, selfishness, narrow minded, short sightedness. Everything around stands strong on the feet of corruption, from what I see, to what I eat to what I hear. People are dying and I contribute in their death because I am part of the system. Some will die tomorrow and some will later but we have ensured that tragedy persists. I don't see the courage of moral imagination, all I see around me is deep sense of self-centered approach and no space to something different. I feel like I live in the world of labels, I portray some on me and I put some on others.
The only hope I see is among few individuals who are trying their bit, struggling among all odds to do something but that seems insignificant. The number of such people is too small, they are sometimes overpowered by popular narratives of the world.
I die every night in my bed only to gather courage to do something about the rotten inside me, the next day. I both win and lose to die again. Only hope is that one day I will die as a hopeful!
(PS. These are reflections from last night.)